im six kinds of drunk right now
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
