We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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