god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
