just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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