Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
