Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
