i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
