I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you win again, gameday.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
