his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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