If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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