Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Found your dick twin last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
