dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
