just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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