We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
