Don't make out with my wife yet
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
