my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
