Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
