I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
