dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
