you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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