I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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