i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
