There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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