Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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