Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
