I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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