I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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