My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
