The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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