We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
