How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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