"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
