I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
