Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
