My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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