Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why is there bacon in the couch?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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