You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
