1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
