Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
