Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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