I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
