Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The best revenge is premature balding
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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