At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
