She's JV to your varsity
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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