He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
