I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
