I wanna passion pit in your ass
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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