Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Too much gin, very little bucket
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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