I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
