Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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